Category Archives: Feeling

Never Broken, She Persisted

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Centered

I am a vivid dreamer, able to fill dream journals with pages and pages of dreams, many about myself, sometimes about others, and still other dream stories are about the country or world events.  When I have a particular dilemma or question about life, I will write it in my dream journal and wait for an answer.

Recently without prompting or questions, I dreamt that I was working with a team of people creating life experiences for a woman.  The events were meant to challenge her in every way, experience after experience, one after another, sometimes more than one occurring on top of another.  Layer after layer, one upon another, complex and highly intense. Each experience meant to peel and pull, to break away the characteristics of the woman… Until she was clean… Until she was clear and transparent… Ready to begin again.

The woman was never broken, instead she persisted.  She allowed and accepted.  She went through the experiences one after another, layer upon layer from the beginning to the now. Throughout the peeling and pulling breaking down process she came to be free… Free from the burdens each experience had brought forth in memories.

Now, she appeared before us all like calm waters, crystal-clear and accepting… Childlike in that she was now a vessel for what newness would begin. As I rose from the dream feeling indifferent, I thought it was just a dream about a woman.  But it wasn’t about just a woman.  I realized it was me.  I am this woman.  I am naked, clean, soul stripped bare, transparent, empty and calm, ready for the new beginnings that lay ahead.

Yes, I am — Let it begin.

Only one world… It’s now

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Tree of Life by Josephine Wall

If you’ve followed my blog, then you know the stories of my living between two worlds, the physical and the spiritual. Sometimes I’m dreaming or visioning or learning with non-physical spiritual teachers, sometimes I’m all about living in the physical and taking on day-to-day challenges. Well, the worlds have blended, there is no other world anymore, no “there” and no “here.” It’s just one place. It’s now, in this very moment.

Conscious that we are living representations of our source or spiritual self, I realize I am that spiritual self. I am not two separate beings, one spiritual, one physical. Knowing this means recognizing the divinity in all others just as much as being fully conscious of my own spiritual origin. When a colleague walks into my office, aware or unaware of their own source consciousness, aware or unaware that we are more than this, I know it is my responsibility to listen with discernment. There is a lesson in what is unfolding. There is a message in the sound of the words. There is an agreement between us as a Collective Whole to experience as they are, as I am in these moments, in each moment unfolding throughout the events occurring.

Excitement and an ease of living comes with this knowledge. There is a peace that permeates with the recognition, with this conviction and knowing that there is an agreed upon blueprint of some sort. All we need do is step into the flow as the moments, minutes, hours, days, years of the print unfold… and trust that as a member of the Spirit Collective all is well and as it should be.

No one knows better than I how frustrating physical existence can be. Before Grace gifted me with this awareness and conviction, in the grip of illness and physical pain, I called out, I felt persecuted, I felt as if I were a failure. Me, the meditator, the empath, the teacher, the spiritual mentor. I was sickI was sad. I was struggling… How could this be? How had I come to be in such a place?

Much farther down the road, I now very clearly see how each event, each experience has been important, has carried weight, has led to another step to some next place in time, in some cases to intersections and new life choices, even during states of illness and struggle or contentment and joy. I am not alone in this endeavor. There have always been fellow travelers on the life path. Fellow “tribe” members. We have agreed to be here intersecting in space and time, having the experience.

There are still days where I feel ill, or too tired to keep going. There are still times I struggle with situations, however I know with certainty that I will make it to the next moment. And that moment may be very different from the previous moment. I know with certainty that I am never alone, that I walk in strength of companionship with all others, be they unaware or aware. I know that beyond the physical, those who do not manifest in the body also walk with us. And it’s good, and all good. Answers to questions are delivered, resources supplied, even to the smallest degree. We just need to pay attention to the moment.

More to come fellow traveler. Peace.

We are more than this…

We Are Heroes… Magnificent and Courageous

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We are heroes, strong and courageous. Warriors of the day and sometimes the night. Life events unfold, some so good, others just tragic, through youth, young adulthood to adult, to middle age, and elder years. Good childhoods, not-so-good childhoods, wonderful home life, so-so home life, broken homes, great parents or broken parents. We get married, maybe stay that way or later divorced, sometimes face the challenges of being with a partner who has addictions, or maybe we deal with that challenge ourselves. Sometimes we stay single, or sometimes we lose our partner well before their time and we are alone. Children come along, or sometimes they don’t… but if they do, along with them is another set of life events that intersect with our own. We choose careers we love… or hate, sometimes just in-between. Our health is good, or not so good, or maybe absolutely horrible, but we move on moment-to-moment, day-to-day, year-to-year, fighting the good fight… being a hero.  We are heroes… life-path warriors.

This is how I’ve chosen to see living. As a person of courage. How else can such human life tragedy or joy, despair or all-good be fittingly described? In seeing myself as a strong, heroic, capable being, I am better able to face any particular moment as it unfolds. I am a hero.

While driving to and from the office, just me and my thoughts, I’ve reinforced this glorious hero perspective by listening to inspiring, epic music. Some composed by Audiomachine, their songs Blood and Stone, Hope and Glory, Solstice Sun, Army of Kings,  Existence: Beyond the Clouds and Rebirth are my favorites. Violinist Lindsey Stirling also has some amazing send-shivers-through-your-body compositions such as Transcendence, Elements, Song of the Caged Bird and Assassin’s Creed Theme. I get in 60 minutes every day of “I can conquer the world” hero-rousing tunes. Some bring memories of getting through a particular life event that left me broken way back when, bringing on tears but also feelings of gratitude for having bravely survived what occurred. Grateful for the courage that has kept me going.

We are amazing creatures. Perfect beings in our imperfections. You are courageous. You are magnificently brave. Choose to recognize the hero that you are. And so it goes, and so it is, and so it shall be. All said. We carry on. Peace dear reader, and much love to you for the journey.

 

I Am Not Broken

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Leah Pearlman Dharma Comics

Leah Pearlman
Dharma Comics

The betrayal began ever so slowly in 2008. At first I blamed the stress of crazy work hours and raising a family alone for being sick. Unable to eat without frequent trips to the bathroom (sorry, I know TMI), nausea, dizziness and weakness…  Feeling broken and betrayed by my body, I went on a quest to regain wellness. I dove into the land of doctors, tests, hospitals and specialists. One doctor told me I had IBS (nope), another said it was GERD (test said no), still another said it was my gall bladder. She sent me for a gall bladder scan, said it was malfunctioning and to go see the surgeon… have it taken out. Surgeon said no, just don’t eat fried foods. “You’re a healthy woman, just eat right and you’ll be fine.” Oh. Ok. I didn’t eat fried foods but I figured he’s the expert, maybe I just needed to eat even healthier than healthy.

I went in for food allergy testing at the suggestion of a friend, about 15 foods show up. I cut them from my menus, including gluten, soy and dairy. Already down 15 pounds, this new change in diet spurred another 15 pound weight-loss… I’m now down 30 pounds, feeling even weaker and more fatigued. My long-time doctor suggested I see a nutritionist. She’s very concerned and afraid for me and says so. I appear to be suffering from malnutrition. The nutritionist tells me that she believes I have adrenal fatigue in addition to the food allergies and a lowered immune system. I follow her menus, feel a little better, however I gain no weight. I know. What a problem right? But I’m in a size 2 now and that’s just too thin.

Mid-2015, I have no vacation or sick time left. My body has betrayed me big time. I am frustrated and embarrassed. Confidence has faded. My social life is non-existent. I’ve become a recluse. I’m afraid to eat but force 2000 calories of anything I can stomach down so I won’t lose any more weight. The doctors give me medications for nausea, medications for dizziness, medications for GERD (which I don’t have), medications for acid reducers (I don’t have acid reflux). I see a gastro dude, he does all the tests, they come back clear. No cancer, no celiac disease, no ulcers. He tells me to take the acid reducers. What? I don’t have indigestion. I don’t have acid reflux. I don’t take them. I will have none of it.

Caring for the family and holding onto my job were my driving forces throughout this challenging time. Despite how I felt physically, except for the very worst of days, I went in to the office. I found side streets through small neighborhoods that took me the 11 1/2 miles in every day rather than the main roads. If I felt sick, I could pull over and wouldn’t be in the midst of traffic. I kept plastic bags in the car and a change of clothes. I knew where all the bathrooms were on the way to work. I took naps at breaks and at lunchtime, drinking bone-broths and water, living on boiled chicken, potatoes and rice. I stopped socializing completely, sometimes hitting the pillows at 7:30 p.m. hoping I would get enough magical deep sleep and feel better the next day. I couldn’t trust that this body, this earthly vehicle would function from moment to moment. I became anxious and fearful.

Life had become nothing more than trying to make it from one moment to the next. Enough. I took my health into my own hands. July of this year, based on “gut” feeling (pun intended), I went to see the surgeon who did my emergency appendectomy 3 years ago. I explained what had been occurring and told her I thought it was my gall bladder. She listened, affirmed the symptoms as possible gall bladder disease and ordered another scan. She called and scheduled gall bladder surgery the next day. Yes. It was distended. After the surgery she said, “You should have had this out years ago, it was completely inflamed.” Who would have thought one little organ could wreck such havoc?

Surgery was August 12th. It’s October. I am a new woman. I had pumpkin pancakes and chicken-apple sausage for dinner last night. I am joy-filled. I am no longer sick after I eat. I’m regaining strength and have gained a pound or two. It’s been a long, long journey to wellness. It will take more time to feel 100%, especially with the anxiety and fear of illness that has become my life. I had an ah-ha moment the other day when I realized how cautious I’ve become about what goes into my mouth. Living with chronic illness had become a way of life, it was MY life. I will have to rebuild the trust that this body will do what it is supposed to do, to reprogram mind to know body is doing ok now.

During the years of illness, I lost contact with several friends because I couldn’t make it to their parties, celebrations, life-events. I was too sick. Still, there were those, both family and friends, who stood by me and supported me regardless of my condition, they showed up at the hospital, they took me to appointments, they did my grocery shopping and brought me food. They helped me clean house and let me sleep when I couldn’t keep going, sometimes entire weekends. In addition to family and friends, there were many women, earth angels, at the office who supported me throughout the years. I am deeply grateful for their prayers, support, encouragement and everlasting understanding while I walked this journey to a new state of wellness. You know who you are!

In addition to moving onto a path to wellness, the four-week recovery from surgery provided downtime to finish writing my book, “An Awakening – Life’s Journey is a Workshop for the Spirit: We are more than this.” I finished writing the book, had it edited, worked with a book cover artist, contacted an e-book formatting company, pulled the book together and released it on Amazon. It was literally effortless. Each step flowed from one to the next. This is when you know with conviction that you’re doing what you’re meant to do.

So what do you think? A happy ending wouldn’t you say? Each day I feel stronger and healthier, happier and more alive. I’m still a bit of a homebody, baby steps might be a good idea for now. I received the first royalty check today from Amazon. Wow. It can only get better. Many thanks, much love and deep bow to all who held me up through these last 7 years. I am forever grateful.

And so it is. And so it shall be.

 

 

 

 

Go… do it.

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I turned 60 this September, a milestone birthday. I celebrated with my children and longtime friends. We had a fabulous time sharing memories and celebrating life. It warmed my heart. This morning on the drive to the office, I reflected on how I would not have done anything differently in life, but also at the same time it occurred to me that I wouldn’t advise anyone to live the way I have. There is so much more to life than what is dictated, than what we’re taught by society, we are  so much more than this.

We are more than education and careers, houses or cars or stuff and stuff and stuff, we are more! We are more than work or fame or accomplishment, we are more than what mainstream dictates is important to be happy. So what would I tell young adults? Or even those closing in toward middle age? Change your path, do what you love, be joyous, be wise. Yes. I know it sounds very cliché’ doesn’t it? Follow your dreams, be yourself… but it’s right on target. This is what we discover later with experience and the wisdom that comes with it, when half of life or two-thirds have played out.

It’s not too late really. I can, you can, make a change, small or huge, no matter what, it’s not too late. It’s a conscious choice. It’s a courageous choice. To look at the order of one’s life with a discerning eye listening to the inner questions that have nudged at you forever, that voice you’ve pushed aside again and again. Maybe because the responsibilities overshadowed that small, timid voice. Maybe because you thought it was unlikely, unimaginable, unthinkable that dreams could become reality. Maybe because it would be too much work or too much change and what about those around you? What of them?

So. What to do… what to do. Pull out that notebook, art pad, newsprint paper and make lists, draw, scribble out dreams and words and deepest hearts desires. Examine them, reorder, organize and reorganize and then come up with a plan. Why not? What do you have to lose? What do we have to gain? What life-journey chapter is unwritten? Go… do it! Take the plunge. Live big, out loud, vigorously and with childlike joy. You’ve carried others along, moving them to independence. You’ve done your job as a mother, daughter, sister, friend, father, son, brother… more.

Now. It’s time. What have you imagined? What are those words? The dreams? Have courage. Go… do it.

 

Divinity on Call

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by Tristen C. Masters

by Tristen C. Masters

 

“When we identify ourselves with God’s image and likeness, the new birth will begin.” ~ Phineas Parkhust Quimby

During metaphysical or spiritual conversation with friends, most often our discussion will turn to the question, “What is my purpose?” In Letters from God I shared how over the early part of this year there had been a period of inner conflict and spiritual fogginess. I was fearful about having lost my purpose. After deliberate dissection of all that occurred during that time, I realized that I had not lost anything, rather it was a period of intense deep learning. This period resulted in a stronger conviction as well as a more heightened awareness of living Spirit and my purpose…to be a light for others, always a source of compassion and love.

“The little accidents of life, those happy accidents that quietly shepherd us outside our own order of things, those odd and lovely coincidences, may they find no resistance in you. May you be yielded beyond your common distractions, for love may lead by a different map than the one you studied at daybreak…” ~ David Teems

Pre-February I understood acting as a source of light at a more conceptual level after having experienced collective spiritual connections in both the meditative and dream states.  However, since this most current burst of learning, being led “by a different map,” there is an ever-constant conscious awareness of walking as Spirit in this physical environment. There is an ever-constant conscious awareness that all is well and as it should be. There is an ever-constant consciousness that my purpose is to be there for others, to be a light of love demonstrating Spirit in the physical. There is an ever-constant consciousness that we are more than this…

“Someone needs you today. Someone must ask no less than Christ of you…For need is never still, never really quiet. It sends out its signal, its pulses, alarms. Some are obvious. Some are hidden. Some lay beneath all detectable thresholds. Some have no voice at all. May all the hidden engines of sense within you be awake and vigilant, even as divinity on call.” ~ David Teems

“Even as divinity on call…”

Letters From God

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“I find letters from God dropt in the street, and every one is sign’d by God’s name, And I leave them where they are, for I know that wheresoe’er I go, Others will punctually come for ever and ever.”  ~ Walt Whitman

Life challenges swallowed me whole so it’s been awhile since you’ve heard my words. Oblivious, chewed up and gulped by events one after another as the days slipped by, my words dried up. I moved from one thing to the next doing what needs to be done, living what needs to be lived. During that time there was spiritual fogginess with little depth, and you know dear readers that it’s in those depths where I feel most comfortable. Dreams, visions and knowings continued underneath the long stretch of days and weeks that have passed, but they flitted about, running off before I could grasp them.

Dissecting all of this, I discovered a resistance to life unfolding. It’s not what I want, I whispered against each event, “This is not what I had in mind, no not this way…I want to go another way.”  Still life continued to move forward with me as a reluctant participant. Whitman’s writing shook me out of the fog. Reading through previous posts, I see that the words pouring out in my blog, these pages are my letters from God. These words are Grace rising up, rushing in, allowing remembrance that no matter what circumstances we face, all is well and as it should be. As living energy, expressions of the Whole, life continues to unfold in creative expression just as it should. Our role is to flow, observe and appreciate.

In his book, A New Design for Living, Ernest Holmes states, “Since our lives are primarily mental, an activity of consciousness, it would naturally follow that we should come to believe that something wonderful, new, and original, something continuously expansive, is happening to us at all times.”

True yes? I suppose it all depends on perspective as what’s occurring presents itself. I myself got bogged down in the muck of events, or what I perceived as muck. Holmes goes on to say,

“On the other hand, how much of our time is spent in denying ourselves the privilege of entering into a greater degree of livingness? We are possibly bound by more negative ideas than we will realize. We keep saying, ‘I cannot. I don’t know how…Everything is against me. All of these statements are flat denials of Life Itself, and the creative flow of It through us.”

As I continue to navigate life events that prove challenging and at times overwhelming, I hold the letters of God in mind and have made a conscious decision to move with the flow. I am ever reminded that we are more than this…

We’re In This Together

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How fortunate we are to have the ability to ask for guidance and receive answers. I’ve been working with a new process that involves observing symbols that rise to the forefront of mind while sitting in meditation. The practice includes recording each of the symbols received, describing them in writing, along with any important insights received. In one very revealing meditation, I started choosing symbols from previous dreams and meditations pulling from what I knew and felt comfortable with, then immediately realized it didn’t feel right. I had to let go of the old and let something else surface. It was there, I could feel it waiting. Within moments of letting go, a forest scene appeared.

I had been here before years ago in meditation, a wooded area with a stream rushing nearby, this scene was my symbol. A meditative event was my symbol, something completely unexpected. I’ve always had an object or shape, sometimes a sound. The scene unfolded,  translucent body kneeling on the forest floor, shining in the speckled sunlight streaming through the trees, she… I was vulnerable, sensitive, loving. Now, we blended, existing in duality physical and spiritual, we sat feeling the events of past and present, even those that may unfold. And in those moments there was instant realization that we embraced all experience. Those that are considered positive, as well as those that are considered negative. Experience wrapped around us layer upon layer and the message? Experience builds strength and courage. We grow not only in human character but in Spiritual character as well.

During this meditation I felt acceptance of all that has been, that which is now occurring and all of that which may unfold. I, as both spiritual and physical, was embraced by an all-encompassing Love and knew that all is as it should be, no matter how it may appear. We dear reader are provided an opportunity to experience in every way, with physical senses, with emotion and feeling, with freedom, intellect and creativity of thought. This means experiencing all that comes along with living on the Earth as human. This is our workshop for the Spirit. This is our place to develop richness and strength of character. The meditative experience provided clear understanding that I have come to be who I am as a result of each sensed moment, emotion, feeling and thought. Each interaction and event that occurs over the course of a day, week, month, over the course of a lifetime is meant to provide us with love, joy, pain, sadness, with laughter, with conflicts or fear… immersed in diverse richness we experience Life.

Collectively as components of Spirit, we share these strengths. Embrace Life fully, hold yourself and others in compassion as we move through each experience, because we are all in this together! Spiritual beings living a physical existence, we are called to uplift, support, and walk with each other on these adventures. When your colleague stumbles, is fearful, in pain, needs your hand, take it. When you are troubled, suffering, feel alone, reach out! And share joys as well, celebrate milestones, rejoice when there are successes, join together and shout, “We are more than what is seen, we are more than this!”

“May the stream of my love, in all its depth and fullness, flow unceasingly from me to thee. May no winds of impatience blow upon its waters, may no ripple of unkindness mar its surface, may no storm of hostility disturb its depths, and may no sediment  of deception choke its course. Rather, may the joy I share with you be unrestrained, may my sorrow with you know no bitterness, and may the streams of both our lovings be absorbed in the never-ending ocean of God’s grace.”                                                       ~ Rev. Dr. Noel Frederick McInnis

Practice Appreciation

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Earlier this week a colleague stopped in my office, coat on and keys in hand she said, “I’m heading out to run errands and thought I’d pick up your favorite Starbucks coffee. Would you write it down for me, cause’ I’ll never remember it.”  Surprised, I asked what the occasion was. “Nothing really, just a little something I know I can do that will brighten your day. It’s my way of showing I appreciate all you do.” Wow. How cool is that? Of course I’m like, no, no you don’t have to, really it’s ok. In the end I just gave her my decaf-tall-one-and-a-half pump soy mocha order, a big hug and decided to just accept and experience the warm fuzzies.

My colleagues actions and a story I’d recently read by Rev. Dr. Noel Frederick McInnis inspired me to write this post. Dr. McInnis shares:

“Because appreciation of others’ services is a value that so many persons fail to honor fully, a professor ended his midterm exam with the question, ‘What is the first name of the woman who cleans our classroom?’ When asked how this question was pertinent, he replied, ‘During your life you will meet many persons whose value deserves your caring attention, even if all you do is smile and say hello.'”

We are individual representations of Spirit made manifest on the Earth. Here we are provided the opportunity to be grateful for all that is presented before us each new day, the challenges, learning lessons, abundance, diverse personalities and most of all the opportunity to show appreciation for these diverse experiences and people walking along with us on our life paths. Reverend McInnis continues with:

“As any real estate agent or property assessor will tell you, the word appreciation means ‘increase of value.’ Thus when one receives another’s appreciation, one’s sense of self-evaluation is increased. And given life’s mirroring of our thoughts, our own sense of self-valuation also is correspondingly increased as we extend our appreciation others.” Feb. SOM p. 42

A daily practice modeled by my mother, I make the effort to recognize each person I may come in contact with over the course of a day, just stopping for a moment or two to inquire after a family member or activity I know they might participate in, sometimes to thank them for help they provided earlier in the week or that day. This practice doesn’t take all that long and connects us as Spirit one to another. Throughout the years my mother faithfully wrote in my birthday or Christmas cards, “To my joy and comfort, love you, Mom.” She was showing her appreciation.

Honestly, I didn’t get it. Where had I provided joy and comfort? I never asked and she never said. Only recently did I finally understand. After school every day I’d walk in and ask, “How was your day?” This was something I had learned from her. She often asked us kids about our days events, a neighbor about her children or inquired about a work colleague’s parent. She went out of her way to connect with others. Something special I remember growing up…at night before going to bed, she and I would sit and read together at the kitchen table over a cup of tea, sometimes taking time between chapters to share things on our mind. We were connected, appreciative of both each other and these quiet moments together. It brought both of us joy and comfort. Now I get it.

Who do you walk alongside with each day that you can offer joy and comfort with words of appreciation or recognition? How can you incorporate this as a mindful practice into day-to-day living? We are more than this…

“There is no such thing as a simple act of compassion or an inconsequential act of service. Everything we do for another person has infinite consequences.”   ~ Caroline Myss

And All Is Well

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Earth Angel by Josephine Wall

 

A member of the community I work for passed away last week. It’s a small community where each member has known the other for years and years… Close-knit and interwoven, there is a hole now where she once was. Ever faithful, loving and kind, she is missed by all.

Living consciously as both Spirit and physical being, I know with conviction that only her body is gone. She lives on, a being unique in character who now flows as one with Spirit, God, all-encompassing Love. My intuitive and clairaudient gifts kicked in the morning she died.  I was hanging laundry and sensed she had passed. I wondered if I should call my colleagues. I didn’t, instead I left to run errands. Jumping out of the car at the store I felt her with me and an encompassing, exuberant joy, “Tell them I am pain-free and happy,” I heard inwardly.  No way, I thought back to her. I’m emotionally involved in this. I’m not saying a word. With inner speak I said, “I’ll tell you what, if you really have something you’d like me to pass on, provide a dream, something someone will get and understand.”

That evening I saw a movie with a friend, cleaned up the kitchen and hit the pillows early. And yes, my request was provided. In the dream, I found myself hovering over the chapel where the wake and funeral were taking place for the woman who had died. In flowing energy form, I was with the woman who had died and a group of others who were accompanying us. There was no time so all seemed to be happening at once, the preparations, wake and funeral, a very odd concept when not in the dream or meditative state.

The wake was beautiful and wonderfully attended and the funeral very nicely done. Everything ran very smoothly. As we observed there were thoughts exchanged, speech was not necessary, “You see all is well,”  I was told. Then, I was instructed to let someone in particular know that she needn’t be anxious to get the wake and funeral details done immediately, that she should complete the other things needing attention first and then get to the business of the wake and funeral. Because you see, “it was all going to be fine anyway so what was the use of worrying, why bother fretting over it?”

I lingered with the group for what seemed like a long time and was shown other events that would unfold over the next short period of time. And drat! Those are the pieces I wanted to remember and couldn’t. I brought back only the most vivid of  images and knew I had to pass on the message. I sent a quick text to the intended party and went about getting the work day started. Once I arrived at the office and was settled in, I checked e-mail and sure enough, there was a notice letting us know she had passed away the morning of the previous day.

Like everyone else I am sad she’s no longer with us, but I know with every ounce of my being that she lives on. What stays with me most from the time in the dream state with these loving souls are the moments of great joy and the desire to reassure the living that “all is well and not to fret.”   My spiritual experiences and life journey have brought me to this dual existence where physical and spiritual energy operate simultaneously.  I feel blessed and fortunate to have been provided with such gifts. What dear reader would help you to know that we are more than this?”

“We are participants in a vast communion of being, and if we open ourselves to its guidance, we can learn anew how to live in this great and gracious community of truth.” ~ Parker Palmer