Monthly Archives: June 2012

Scar Connection

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Recovering from surgery I have “found” free time. It’s the kind of time you can burn because it hasn’t been gobbled up by previously earmarked work or personal obligation. This delicious piece of heaven has given me opportunity to recover and reflect. Several nights ago, while talking with a friend about scar tissue removed during surgery, the spoken words made sense in a way not previously considered. I heard myself say, “…the scar tissue had to be removed to make space for proper flow…” and as those words were stated, a picture flashed across inner-mind of the physical and spiritual metaphors attached to that statement. Consider the following:

Life Events Leading to Physical Now:

  • 15 years of challenging, demanding, sometimes painful life experiences accumulate at the center of my spiritual being resulting in life “scars”
  • Separation and divorce
  • Rasing four children alone (16, 13, 7 and 2, now 31, 28, 23 and 16)
  • Obtaining both Bachelor’s and Master’s Degrees with Post-Graduate work
  • Working three jobs for many years to support the family and pay for school

Physical Now:

  • Experience intense “gut” pain, in the very center of my being.
  • ER doctor explains the appendix is slightly enlarged, very tender to touch and should be removed.
  • Once inside, the surgeon finds and removes “scar” tissue from a 20-year-old surgery that has grown and spread, connecting itself to a perfectly healthy appendix, blocking proper intestinal flow.

My Interpretation:

  • Residual scars of life experience had connected and embedded themselves, blocking energy flow.
  • Once the physical impediments were removed, a reopening and expanding of space and pathways occurred allowing for healthy physical and spiritual living.

Recent research supports this reasoning:

Bruce Lipton’s 2005 book, Biology of Belief:

“The Biology of Belief is a groundbreaking work in the field of New Biology. Author Dr. Bruce Lipton is a former medical school professor and research scientist. His experiments, and that of other leading edge scientists, have examined in great detail the processes by which cells receive information. The implications of this research radically change our understanding of life. It shows that genes and DNA do not control our biology; that instead DNA is controlled by signals from outside the cell, including the energetic messages emanating from our positive and negative thoughts. Dr. Lipton’s profoundly hopeful synthesis of the latest and best research in cell biology and quantum physics is being hailed as a major breakthrough showing that our bodies can be changed as we retrain our thinking.”

Dr. Dawson Church’s 2009 book, The Genie in Your Genes:

“Author Dawson Church applies the insights of the new field of Epigenetics (epi=above, i.e. control above the level of the gene) to healing. Citing hundreds of scientific studies, he shows how beliefs and emotions can trigger the expression of DNA strands. He focuses on a class of genes called Immediate Early Genes or IEGs. These genes turn on within a few seconds of a stimulus. They can be triggered by thoughts or emotions (“I loved that unexpected gift of roses Bill gave me” or “I’m so mad about what Uncle John said at the Christmas party”). Many IEGs are regulatory genes turn on other genes that affect specific aspects of our immune system, such as the production of white blood cells that destroy attacking bacteria and viruses. Epigenetics thus influences our health every day. He coins the new term “Epigenetic Medicine” to describe healing techniques with epigenetic effects. He also summarizes the science behind the infant fields of Energy Psychology and Energy Medicine, both of which offer promising epigenetic medical therapies.”

As the scientific and spiritual realms begin to work toward blending healing treatments, in the future we may find modern medicine refashioned to consider all aspects of self, much like alternative medicine does now. In the meantime, I will pay even more attention to my thoughts and feelings,  as well as dreams and meditations in order to manifest a healthier state of mind and physical being.

In reviewing my dream journal, I found an entry from Spring of 2010 that seemed relevant to this experience. I dreamt of being in a room sprawled out relaxing, doing things I love, enjoying sunshine, watching movies, eating favorite foods (even bon-bons), I was recovering!  In this dream, I felt guilty because I wasn’t up and about working or taking care of family. A gentleman came to my side, kneeling beside me weeping he told me, “You have been used, manipulated, abused and given enough of yourself for all, we are grateful to you for this work. Now it is time for you to rest.”  I told him to get up off his knees, that I had done nothing remarkable, that it was my role to do what I had done. In this dream, I knew I had arrived at a new place in both family and work aspects of life, and that it was a place of safety, acceptance and peace.

My dream has become reality. Here I am dear reader, watching each child move away as they become more self-sufficient, working a new job I love, sitting, resting and recovering, landing right here in this now, writing for you in the hopes that you too will see that we are more than this… Maybe I’ll go buy some bon-bon’s.

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Trust Spirit – The 200 Level Course

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After surgery…

Sunday night midnight I woke with abdominal pain. My first thought was food poisoning or a flu coming on. This pain was different though, not like anything I’ve experienced so after an hour and a half I decided I’d best get myself to the emergency room. Reluctantly I threw on jeans and a t-shirt, grabbed a book and got into the car. By the time I drove to the hospital (all of 5 minutes, it really is just down the road a piece), the pain had really increased and I was thankful I had paid attention and not ignored it.

The hospital staff was amazing. They had me checked in, followed by an E.R. doctor’s exam and CAT scan within minutes, amazingly fast. (Thank you Edwards Hospital!) The E.R. doctor reported that my appendix was slightly enlarged and suspected acute appendicitis recommending an appendectomy as soon as possible. They contacted my primary and scheduled a surgeon for me for the next morning. It was now 3 am-ish.

I was moved to a room where I slept very little. The surgeon called at 8 a.m. to talk about the CAT scan. She explained that it was not all that enlarged, that I could stay all day under observation, see how I felt with possible surgery the next day, or go home, see how symptoms progressed, or finally have the appendix removed knowing it might be perfectly healthy. I had until 9:30 to decide. The pain had decreased with the help of pain meds so of course I was tempted to just put the evenings intense pain aside and go home. Who wanted surgery? But doesn’t pain in the body mean something? Yes, it does. Hello? What was I thinking? I decided to trust that Spirit brought me here for a reason.

The oh-so-human part of me wanted answers. I googled appendicitis finding the same information splattered across a variety of medical websites (Don’t cha’ love Droid phones). What surprised me were the symptoms leading up to appendicitis-like attacks, low-grade fever, unexpected weight loss, nausea, occasional cramping, I’d been experiencing all of these symptoms for weeks! Hello? Now I was paying attention. I decided to go through with the removal despite the surgeon’s hesitation. Relaxing into Spirit, I spent the next hour in meditation confident in my decision, feeling surprisingly calm.

The appendectomy was performed, I spent time in recovery and was returned to my room by mid-afternoon. My primary doctor stopped in shortly after. Still dizzy with anesthesia I listened to him explain that “…your appendix was normal.” Oh no! Instantly I felt like a total goof. Could I have been so off?

“But,” he continued. “You had scar tissue from a previous surgery that had attached to the appendix blocking the intestine, it’s a good thing you came in when you did. There could have been serious complications.” Ahhhh…exhale. A 1989 cesarean was the culprit. The scar tissue had continued to build, stretched across attaching to the appendix causing all kinds of havoc. What if I hadn’t followed through and had given into doubt?  Woooo Hoooo! Spirit rocks!

Here I sit, just a day after trying to find a comfortable way to move, sleep, eat, be. Yikes! It’s painful…but I’m grateful to Spirit for leading me to do the right thing. I met some amazing people while at the hospital. One person in particular, Lora my tech, who shared her trust in Spirit when I brought up my own belief system. I sense we will be life-long walk the spiritual path buddies.  And despite the pain, I feel better than I have in months.

The 100-Level Course posts have been all about trusting serendipitous events, being in the right place at the right time with the right people, dreaming events before they happen. This course is about the bigger decisions and trusting “gut” feelings. I knew I needed this surgery despite the surgeons hesitation. I trusted that Spirit brought me to this place, and so it was and so it is. We are more than this…

“NOT

CHRISTIAN OR JEW OR

MUSLIM, NOT HINDU,

BUDDHIST, SUFI, OR ZEN.

NOT ANY RELIGION

OR CULTURAL SYSTEM. I AM

NOT FROM THE EAST

OR THE WEST, NOT

OUT OF THE OCEAN OR UP

FROM THE GROUND, NOT

NATURAL OR ETHERIAL, NOT

COMPOSED OF ELEMENTS AT ALL.

I DO NOT EXIST.

AM NOT ETERNITY IN THIS

WORLD OR THE NEXT,

DID NOT DESCEND FROM

ADAM AND EVE OR ANY

ORIGIN STORY. MY PLACE IS

THE PLACELESS, A TRACE

OF THE TRACELESS.

NEITHER BODY OR SOUL.

I BELONG TO THE BELOVED.

HAVE SEEN THE TWO

WORLDS AS ONE AND

THAT ONE

CALL TO AND KNOW.

FIRST, LAST, OUTER, INNER,

ONLY THAT BREATH BREATHING

HUMAN BEING.” ~~ Rumi

Stream of Miracles

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Living in the flow of creative Spirit allows us artistic liberty while shaping the hours, minutes and moments of our lives. There exists a river of energy designed to supply us with not only inspiration and ideas but with sustenance on the journey. We have the ability, whether consciously known or not, to draw physical, emotional, mental and spiritual particles from this great stream.

Notice. When you’ve had a particularly rough patch and find you must carry on with family obligation or work responsiblity, the energy is always there. Staying in the stream of Spirit creates miracles in our lives. In between those moments of responsibility, do a time-out.  Be aware of the wind on your skin, take off your shoes…walk barefoot in the grass, listen to the instrument behind the melody of a favorite tune, see your significant other with new eyes, dip your toes in the stream of miracles. Then, after a brief interlude of joy and peace, carry on.

How lovely, how fabulous, how blessed we are to be more than this!

“Plunge into matter. Plunge into God. By means of all created things, without exception, the divine assails us, penetrates us and molds us. We imagine it as distant and inaccessible, whereas in fact, we live steeped in its burning layers.”              ~ Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, SJ

“Miracles are not contrary to nature, but only contrary to what we know about nature.”  ~ Saint Augustine

Rush Hour

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I find Tuesday’s are the worst for high traffic rush hours. It takes nearly double the time to reach home in the evening. Tonight I got behind a woman with no brake lights and nearly rear-ended her twice! Buried in the lane, I couldn’t move and had to pay close attention to her speed or smash into her. No autopilot driving for moi. It was necessary to stay centered and mindful of the moment and movement.

Mindful living requires standing centered looking out with open eyes, an open mind and an open heart. Moving through the day is much like driving in rush hour. We’re interacting with family members, friends, colleagues and neighbors navigating relationship traffic throughout the day. Are you mindful of your speed? Of nearly crashing into someone with words moving too fast? Did you actually notice the person who walked into your office trying to mask the sadness of losing a loved one? Or was it glossed over with conversation about which project was due when. Turn off the autopilot.

As physical expressions of Spirit we are responsible for each other. When you look into the eyes of that colleague attempting to mask her feelings, reach out with compassion, she is your sister. When he mentions a sick child and needing to get home early, hear him with kindness. Slow down, listen well, love fully. Remember that we are more than this.

“Be my mirror…the clear, bright, and deathless image that love reflects in me. And wherever I may find You, on the lowest or highest shelves of humanity, wherever my soul searches for You among the broken, among the weary, the lost and forgotten, or among the happy and the free….

May love in you (dear reader) invoke love in others, as glass to living glass, mirror to shining mirror, that Christ may arise in your midst and be reflected anywhere love has a face, a touch, or dares to speak.”    

~ David Teems, 2004

Trust Change

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The underlying theme of life over the last two and a half years has been change, change and more change. All roads led to change, no matter which path I chose. Whisked along at a rapid pace, whirling winds around and around and then quiet, like the leaves you see in the fall, spinning and spinning and then later just quiet beauty.  These winds carried  me to the here and now, setting me down like Dorothy’s house in the Wizard of Oz, placing me ever so gently in a place completely unexpected, a new land. I suppose none of us really see change coming, unless of course we’re buying a new home or having a baby. These are anticipated types of change on the life path, something we can see coming at least most of the time.

Almost two years ago, I was presented with an opportunity to move out of my long time role as a community college advising manager. A recruiter called with an offer from a small private college to serve as Dean of Academics where there would be opportunity for me to work directly with instructors and students. This appealed to me as I wanted to get back to impacting students lives in a personal and positive way instead of just program planning and managing staff. I interviewed with several of their administrators and researched the role before accepting the position.

Just three months after taking the job, the college added monthly travel across the U.S. to my role as an administrator. I would be home 50% of the time. Being a family oriented single mom, my response was, “If this had been in the job description, I would not have accepted the position. I still have young people at home I’m responsible for.”

I was told, “…just do the travel.” After a family meeting, I resigned. We decided it would be better for me to take a position somewhere, even if it meant making less money, in order to keep us a cohesive family unit. Tough, tough, tough decision. It meant job searching in a market where jobs are scarce. I found myself faced with my greatest fear, not being able to support the family financially.

In the midst of the job search, I dreamt of building a mosaic made up of little pieces of creativity, all of the skills, all of the talents I’ve acquired throughout my employment history. That morning I sketched a picture illustrating abilities, talents, people I knew and jobs I loved doing. The dream had provided me with a tool to see beyond what I’d pigeonholed myself into. The sketch became a palette of employment and there before me I saw something evolve and take shape. Looking for a job became my full-time career. I networked and sent out three to four resumes a day. I was a job hunting ninja. Three months, 120 job applications later, I interviewed with eight different organizations, chose and accepted a position.

The position in education did not allow me space to grow, and by space I mean inwardly. Spiritually, I was moving at a snail’s pace. Everyday office operation didn’t allow downtime for contemplation, even walking to the other side of campus during lunch in search of a quiet place, I found myself caught up in student or staff issues. Occasionally I would think about moving out of the field into something else. In looking back, I see I’d become complacent. It was easier and safer to stay where I was.

Spirit saw it differently. The only way any kind of growth would occur was with change. The offer for Director of Education came from the only college I might have considered, with work I loved and a salary that couldn’t be beat. The timing was perfect. I left my long-term employer for this new adventure. Three months later, they dropped the travel bomb with no alternative options. The decision to resign was frightening and the only right decision given my commitment to family. The job search, well for those of you who are out there looking, all I can say is God bless. It’s a tough market.

So in the midst of whirlwind job hunting, my “house” landed quietly in an executive assistant position, a place I never dreamed I’d be. I now mange the U.S. office of a small spiritually centered organization. Instead of forty people reporting to me, I have just a handful. The grounds are surrounded by forest and natural prairie with walking paths and meditation areas. It is a peace-filled and sacred place. I’m in a job I would not have imagined, surrounded by spiritually centered people and I am exactly where I was led to be. All events leading to this change were events I could not, would not have foreseen and would not have consciously chosen. I faced my greatest fears, discovered strength I didn’t know I had, and now find myself on a life path so much more appropriate to who I am, more than this.

“When my path seems too liquid and unsure, when I seem to be carried upon moving streams, having lost my familiar, solid and trusting pavements, when You are too much a mystery to me, Lord, when I am too much of a mystery to myself, when the familiar becomes unfamiliar, when my mind seems banished from itself, when my eyes see strange things, when there is distance in those closest to me, when blankness eclipses the face of friendship and smiles recede, taking the last sweet wrinkle of mirth from our moments together, when I am lost and impossibly alone, when flight fills me and I am wingless, when my soul is bullied with suspense, when normal seems indifferent, when I am naked and fretful, when I fear the light of day and long for shadows to hide me, to comfort me in a place where I am faceless and no one asks my name, when prayers like this say too much and leave no finishing mark, no punctuated end, for language itself is interrupted…”       ~ David Teems, 2004

There are only two words, trust change.

We Are Enough

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This week has been particularly crazy busy in the office with projects coming at me one after one, all with Friday deadlines. Yes, that would be today, and it’s a short work week! By Thursday morning my head was spinning.

Ah, but there it was, that Grace I keep telling you about, just coming along surprising me again and again. How is it that our general state of modus operandi is worry, fear, and anxiety, even when Grace appears over and over again? How can a state of calm knowing replace the MO that is so insidious living as human? Even with daily meditation and mindful living, I still find I fall into old behavior in times of busy-ness. I suppose I can say, “I’m only human.” But is that just another way of saying nope can’t do it, an easy excuse?

We are enough. At any given time we are all that we can be, we just don’t trust it. Realizing the lapse in confident calm and knowing, I decided to look for an inspirational blurb to pull me back into a peace-filled state. I share this with you.

Living Beyond Fear

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous. Actually who am I not to be? You are a child of God. If you are playing small, that doesn’t serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

We are born to manifest the glory of God within us. It is in everyone. And as we let our lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

~ Marianne Williamson