Sister cousin and I have what we call our weekly “confession” with each other. We have no boundaries after having created this safe place where we can ponder, spout wisdom-like statements and fix all that the world has brought our way in these last seven days.
Today we talked about growing up fear-filled in childhood homes that were often loud and violent. She and I have resolved much of the fear over these many years of growing up and older, still there is a bit of residual stuff that hangs onto our bones, somewhat embedded, not wanting to let go.
While in the midst of trading stories of the week, there was a profound moment of realization. Very clearly I saw images of these bony fear-based attachments and the effect they have on my current relationship with others. Before me lay the anxiety, nervousness and skittish fear of wanting to feel not only accepted but also loved by the people I have allowed onto the path of my life. And yes, I did say allow. Recent years have provided enough wisdom to know that those who are toxic will bring toxicity with them, so I no longer walk with those people. The life path is easier to walk when you consciously choose who you will walk with and where you will walk to.
Experienced events are woven into our flesh and bones, and our Spirits. They are what protect us and move us forward, but they are also what hold us back in fear. What voice do you hear that tells you can’t do something, better yet, who’s voice? As a youngster, when we came home from school my mother would give all nine of us an afternoon snack, get us settled and head to the couch for a short nap before cooking dinner. My father, who was often home by 4:00 would walk into the house and immediately begin his tirade, “Get your fat ass up off the couch! Why the hell are you sleeping in the middle of the day?” We ran in fear. My mother would wearily get up from the couch to start dinner. Raising nine children alone is no small feat. She was, is my hero.
I write of this one experience because that voice, his voice, echos in my head when I sit down to meditate and pray, when I hang out on the deck to watch the birds, when I sit on a park bench in the prairie or when I just plain sit. As a child, I wondered if I would get fat if I took a nap during the day. During today’s confession, when the discussion about the voices that brought fear into our lives came up, I recalled images, deciphered how I felt and resolved to make a change in how it affects my relationships with others in the present. All of this was done in a matter of seconds. It was the conscious recognition of the words and images. It was the grace of Spirit moving through the spoken word to find resolution.
Today, find a “confession” buddy and set a time each week to talk and listen with each other, a sister, friend, cousin, mother, brother, father, partner. The keys for effectiveness are no judgement, a listening ear, and safe “place” to speak thoughts and feelings.